the story behind the song

when my brother got back from his mission, he tried SO hard to catch up on all the latest tunes (even though he only owned a bunch of thai music). he would sift through my itunes library, and he would try to figure out how to download songs (so cute). he ended up having a linkin park CD that was released in 2007 while we was on his mission.

we (meaning all 5 of the fam) had all gone to church together one snowy sunday, and me & kels wanted to ride home with him in his duramax. he was better at busting drifts and driving like a crazy, mad person than mom and dad. instant fun, right? so it was settled. with the big bro we would ride.

we were about half way home when we were just talking about life & our future, and josh said, "hey, listen to this song. it's really good. i like it a lot."

i couldn't disagree. it was perfect. i loved it. he then said, "it's one of my favorites."

i instantly thought, 'what legacy am i leaving behind? how will josh and i go down in history? will we always be together? i can't wait until he has kids. i'll be the coolest aunt. and HE will be the best uncle to my lil hellions. what are me and him going to do when mom & dad die? i'm really glad i have him around because he has changed me for the better.'

....

then after josh was killed, things got really hard. it helped me sort through my emotions to listen to his ipod or his music on his laptop. i could feel him closer. within 2 weeks of the avalanche, i had run across this linkin park song that i hadn't heard for a while. i thought, 'hey, josh loved this one. what was it about again?'

so i hit play, and the memories came back. the ride in the pick up. the talks & the giggles. the slick roads and the frosty windows. it was like it was yesterday.

within a few days i wanted my mom to listen to it. i didn't know how she would react to it, but i figured she could get an inside look on my brother. put a few puzzle pieces together. make sense of his actions & thoughts since he had been home.

so we sat at the breakfast table, and i played the song. the tears started rolling, and i could feel my face get redder and redder. hotter and hotter. and my mom kind of melted. oops.

she was mad.

"why would this be his favorite song of all time? what was he thinking? i don't understand!"

but now we do understand

after putting a lot of the pieces together after the accident, it makes total sense that josh knew it was his time to go.

making sure everyone had an avalanche beacon

leaving his wallet and phone in the truck (the phone messes with the beacons-aka throws the signal)

leaving the KEYS in the truck

telling my parents bye before he left that morning (that was a rare occasion on his outings)

the unrest in his heart after he got home from thailand

him trying devise a plan to try and "be in thailand but be home too"

asking experienced snowmobilers how to get through an avalanche depending on the direction it came

well... one thing is for sure...in a body on earth, he was bound. he was tied down. he had no way to be in thailand and be in idaho, the two places he loved. now he can.

his problem is solved.

we'll never know if he knew it was his time or not, but he did too many things he normally wouldn't have.

out of the ordinary.

so, joshua jack, your time has come, and any wrongs have been forgotten. you've left behind plenty of reasons to be missed. you'll never be resented. and when i feel empty every single day, i keep you in my memory...and i leave out all the rest.

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I'm done here

So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that i've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shared what i made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that i've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

xoxo